Photo by Hans on Unsplash

We’ve lost the ability to say what we mean. For most of us it starts early and erodes us slowly over time.

I was a sensitive kid. I don’t know if I was sensitive because I was artsy or vice versa. They seem to go together in my head though.

My dad loved to watch curling on the CBC. Almost every second commercial was either “Robbie and the play safe campaign” featuring real kids who lost limbs in accidents, or the Foster Parents Plan. It felt like the programmer was hired specifically to put me in tears.

I was a sensitive kid, but I was also a kid who became a 300-foot granite rampart when people picked on me or picked on others. I danced ballet. I rode a pink girls’ bike. Basically, I painted a big moving target on my back. I wasn’t trying to make any grand statement or anything. I was just trying to be myself. My heart always led me to things that upsized its container. Weirdly, the things that brought me the most joy were the same things that seemed to make other kids angry and petty.

When we get picked on, our ego writes us a whole late-night infomercial around how we’re safer just staying away from the world. That we need to adjust who we are to who we’re with. Stay inside your mind, all for 3 easy payments of $49.99.

I’d lie in bed, in the weird “greenish” glow of the panelescent night light, my enthusiastically appreciated Stretch Armstrong held tightly under the covers. Instead of replaying the game of kick the can that lasted until my mom yelled the inevitable “the streetlights are on and this is your third last call, I mean it” or feeling the pride of finally climbing the neighbor’s big red maple (my mom was proud too, if that’s a code word for panic attack), I’d stare at the ceiling, poking and prodding at all my weak spots.

They’re only playing with you because their parents made them.

They only keep you around so they have someone to pick on.

I’d share something exciting with the neighborhood kids. Sometimes they laughed with me and sometimes at me. A mask was essential for surviving this. So I made one. With my mask on I could nod and smile, laugh at the right times, and stay in my shell. It was a painful lesson to learn that the mask on its own was never enough. What we say and how we say it also has to change.

There are a thousand unspoken rules here with a level of nuance that even a ninth-degree black belt in EQ could never figure out, much less an artsy kid or a sensitive teenager.

Self-censoring becomes synonymous with being polite. I practiced hard and became an expert at protecting my feelings and the feelings of everyone around me. All it cost me was my true self. Don’t share too much. Only say things that won’t get you teased. Don’t let them see they hurt your feelings.

I carried that baseline right into adulthood like it was Aunt Linda's Christmas sweater that would look great on an iguana and you're never allowed to throw out.

One afternoon I was on the phone, chatting with a person who, for me, goes way beyond the word friend. We talked about inane stuff, politics, parking lots. There was silence on the line and then he said, “You know, Peter, we’ve known each other for over 25 years. We’ve spent thousands of hours together and sometimes I feel like I have no idea who you really are at all.”

This was a thousand-pound brick falling right on my chest. How could this person, of all the others in the world, not know me? Did he not listen when I talked? I really had to sit with this. Here was one of the smartest, most emotionally aware people that I knew. If he couldn’t see me, who had I been showing him all this time?

It was painful and almost impossible to stomach because it showed me not only how little others knew me, but how little I knew or understood myself. You can’t share what you don’t have.

This was the real start of forgiveness. For needing to build walls around the free spirit that I’d left behind so many years ago. Little me didn’t give up without a fight and the siren song of old rules still whispers occasionally:

If you say it like that, they’ll laugh at you for being wrong.

If you use those words, they may use them like a weapon and bludgeon you.

If you just agree everything will be fine. It doesn’t matter if they really know you. They probably won’t like you anyway.

What this eventually led me to see was that every single person that I interacted with was also trying desperately to figure out how to give as genuine a non-authentic response as they could.

There are some things that I’ve learned that helped me to get back to more authentic and fulfilling relationships with others. Maybe they’ll help you too:

• Say what you mean. This seems obvious, but I’m writing this article. 😊

• Don’t say it mean. This one’s easier than it sounds sometimes. It’s important enough that if you don’t feel strong enough to do it, it’s better to postpone the conversation until you can.

• It’s okay to get to the point. 15 warm sentences full of analogies and fancy imagery don’t help unless you’re writing a movie review about Lord of the Rings.

• The apology tour only leaves room for misunderstanding. If you need to apologize for something, that’s a separate thing. So do it if you need to. Sharing what you honestly think or feel doesn’t need an “I’m sorry” attached to it.

• Prepare yourself emotionally for the response. Your feelings are yours. Their feelings are not yours.

The payoff for my isolation was a false sense of security. My friend helped me see what that payoff was really costing me. It’s been quite a few years of working at this. Sometimes I still feel that little kid tugging on my sleeve to say something short and agreeable or just nod and smile.

We both know deep down that it will just lead to lonely.

If you found yourself in these words and want to talk to someone about it, you can book a free call with me here:

Book a Free Call

There are also coaching programs, workbooks, journals, funny stuff, and a whole page of free tools.

I don’t feel like I’m living my purpose.
I hate my job. It’s not what I was put here to do.
I want to help people. That’s my true calling.

I relate to all of these. That’s not right. I am all of these.

After a profound spiritual experience a few years back and a lot of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I really didn’t like what I was doing. That it wasn’t serving a higher purpose and that I was wasting this go around on earth, distracted from my true calling.

But today I’m looking at this through a different lens.

I was trying to be a rock star in my younger years and was lucky enough, or not, to play music for a living for a while. I say for a living and sometimes this looked like five guys in a pickup, traveling with a microwave and a 50-pound bag of last season’s potatoes. “Gimme Shelter” from the carbs 🤔

My major work-related skills were drinking, cutting grass and washing dishes. I cooked in restaurants for a few years too. Free employee meals when you’re the fryer guy can be a great way to test out diabetes.

Employee benefit include:

• Unlimited jalapeno poppers

• Recurring nightmares about the 4 station, Friday lunch rush gone wrong

• Type 2

I also had a diploma in horticulture and a life-threatening allergy to stinging insects. So, I planted flowers very carefully and carried around an EpiPen. Livin’ on the edge 😄

Looking back, flirting with danger seems to have been a constant. All of this to say, I wasn’t gunning for the corner office.

I was lucky enough at the tail end of my collapse from drinking to reconnect with an old friend who was opening a recruiting business. He’s a great guy with a huge heart and I’d imagine, against the voice in his head, very kindly offered me a job. This was the start of 24 years in professional recruiting and HR consulting.

I eventually opened my own business with my wife.
Our vision statement was:
“Don’t be greasy.”

If you’ve spent any time in recruiting, you know. But is recruiting my life’s purpose any more than the lawn cutting or the drinking for that matter?

Purpose isn’t a set destination or a thing that needs finding. Maybe it’s something that reveals itself when we’re busy appreciating the richness of our current situation, good and bad, challenging and fulfilling.

Not liking where I was, was a signpost to something that seemed better. It was also an opportunity to live an imaginary life and miss the one I was actually in. I’d focus all my energy on how things could be so much better, if only. I missed a lot of time and experiences living a fantasy.

Every day I talk to people who’ve made major changes into something more fulfilling. And I can’t tell you how many of them, after three months in the dream setup start to feel the same as they did in the nightmare one.

I still do the recruiting work. I do it now from a place of love and service. I still have difficult interactions. I still deal with people telling me what they think I want to hear. I still have clients trying to dodge their bills. Underneath it all, I have gratitude. For the work, for the food it puts on the table and the genuine interactions I get to have with people. The only thing that’s different now is my sense of gratitude and my focus on what’s good instead of wishing that everything was different.

There’s no change without the desire for better.
There’s also no meaningful change if that desire comes from a place of lack and discontent. At least not for me.

If you prefer to watch me look earnest in my fancy t-shirt here's the youtube.

So many fond memories of packing up my instruments, keyboards, mandolin, guitars. Damn, did I check the guitar to make sure it’s charged? I better take it out again to make sure. Mandolin in its case with an extra set of strings, check. Wait. Did I pack the capo? Nevermind I can use the guitar capo if I’m stuck. Good. I can use it if it’s packed in the first case which I just closed up. Better check this too. Okay, keyboard, pedal, adapter, stand, seat, mic and cable. All set. All set except the mic stand. Did I pack my adapter? I think it’s in with the capo. Okay I’ve checked everything 4 times. The truck is loaded and I know for sure, 100% that I have everything. Thank God I gave myself an extra 15 minutes. Let’s hit the road. Okay we’re at the top of the driveway. I think I forgot my stand. Nope it’s there. Here comes the 4 way stop 4km from my door. I’m pretty sure I forgot my adapter… and my stool.

What were we talking about?

It’s easier to poke fun at this than it used to be.
I self-diagnosed OCD in my late forties.

People-pleasing can lead to you telling your internal dialogue that Thursday, 2055 would be a better time to catch up.

Recovery from addiction can do this too while the people-pleasing does push-ups in the parking lot. Pain in my liver, irregular heartbeat, mental fog, it was all just a distraction from the real work of pretending it wasn’t happening. The obsessive thinking gave all of that messy business a place to crash. Rent was reasonable and visitors were encouraged.

My people pleasing and OCD used to work the lunch rush together after addiction got fired for burning the croutons one too many times. OCD became the silent partner waiting in the wings when things got too hairy on-stage.

The Instrument Awareness Olympics is still an event I train for regularly. These days though, I don’t fight it like it’s an enemy to overcome. It’s more like a casual visitor from the local theater company. The script’s actually pretty funny. We go through our little skit. I chuckle at the occasional line and at OCD’s commitment to the part.

Keyboard, mandolin and guitar, check! Wait did I check the guitar to make sure it’s charged? I know you’re going to ask about the mandolin next. I’ve already checked it off the loading checklist I made for myself. But when you ask, I will know that you’re just looking out for a buddy. I’ll laugh and sigh and for the briefest second wonder if it was you that checked off the whole list.

Awareness, acceptance, love even, have helped me to understand why you come and what you need. What I thought was a prison was maybe just you and me doing a little community theatre.
I guess we’re not saying
goodbye after all.

Photo by Sarah Brown on Unsplash

He quit school again, after being there for 4 months. There goes this year’s tuition. Why can’t he ever seem to commit to anything. It’s his life but why can’t he just follow through. How will he ever support himself?

My friend Jeff hit me with this as soon as I came through the gate to the pool of the 55+ park I was living in. I’m wired to take on other people’s feelings and now I was mad even before I got in the hot tub.

Jeff was a guy that you could pretty much count on to be smiling, or laughing, usually both. The kind of smile that comes from the eyes. He was the closest thing that I’d ever met to the vision in my head of a real-life cowboy. A family man, steady as a Ponderosa in the New Mexico desert. A man with a moral compass stuck on true north. One of the best men that I’ve been lucky enough to know.

Sometimes, I’d come to our meetup stressed and just seeing his beaming face would bring my heart rate down a few beats. But the second I saw him that night, I knew he was mad. Every cell in my body was screaming at me to get out of there. Without waiting for the go-ahead, my teeth clenched down hard. I felt like throwing up. His grandson had quit school. Again. Dammit. I could see the anger on him, but underneath it was something else, fear that the kid would always struggle, sadness that he couldn’t do anything to stop it. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. The only sound the hum of the jets. I counted to 30 and opened my eyes again. Jeff wasn’t smiling but the hard lines around his mouth were a little less hard.

Growing up in chaos taught me to wear mask a lot of the time. I don’t know if I masked to cover over the fact that I didn’t know the right emotional response or if I was protecting my heart because wide open was my only setting. Maybe it was both.

As I got older, this got more complicated as the mirror became less of a reflection and more of an onboarding process. I’ll take your anger and raise you two, maybe throw in some judgement along with it.

Eventually, me taking on all those feelings cemented me in a place where I wasn’t really able to be of any support to Jeff or anyone else, because I felt as bad as he did. Because I could see what I was doing, it gave me the chance to start releasing my grip on the physical symptoms so I could just be with him. Let him talk and work through his feelings.

There’s a free tool on my website, to help you loosen your grip. You can also book a free conversation there, too. Next week, we’re talking about doing the exact things we swear we’ll never do.

Did I do something wrong?

Let me reread that last message. Okay, I’ve read it four times now. It sounds fine. It was fine. So why aren’t they responding?

Maybe they’re mad. I probably came on too strong. Should I have worded it differently? Maybe I should send a follow-up. No, that might just make me look desperate.

Screw it. I can see that they read it. It only takes two seconds to type “I need a few minutes” or “I’ll message back tomorrow” or literally anything. Instead, I’m still sitting here replaying the whole thing in my mind.

And honestly? That’s the part that gets me. Not the no. The nothing.

But while you’re stuck on repeat, someone on the other side’s having a completely different experience.

"That’s the second message they’ve sent me today. Don’t they know I’m busy and have my own stuff on the go? I don’t want to disappoint them, but if I reply every time they message me, it’s just going to encourage them to rely on me more. Maybe I should just send back a quick ‘got it.’

Never mind, they can see the read receipt. I know they need me right now, but I’ve barely got enough energy to deal with my own stuff. I resent that they put me in this position of feeling guilty for not answering.

I’m just overwhelmed and feel like i’m being pulled in ten different directions.”

But the other person can’t read your mind.

People avoid saying “no” for all kinds of reasons. They’re scared of conflict. They don’t want to disappoint you or seem like they’re the ones responsible for a decision you won’t like. Maybe they’ve had people ignore them too, and now they think it’s normal.

If you’re the one not responding, you could try:

“Your message is important and you’re important. I definitely want to support you. I just need some time to work through some stuff that’s happening in my own life right now.”

If you need to say no to somebody, say no. You can do it gently, you can do it respectfully, but do it. It shows the other person that you value their time, and it proves that you value your own.

One hard conversation frees two people.

I’ve carried this lesson forward into every part of my life. Doing the hard thing often enough makes all the other hard things easier.

Should I Forgive Him?

A client asked me that a few weeks ago about someone in her life who’d caused her a significant amount of pain. She’d heard and had read that forgiveness was essential for moving on in a healthy emotional state. That it was less about actually forgiving the person or their actions and more about releasing her own heart.

Instead of giving her an answer to a question I thought she was asking, I asked her instead to spend some time thinking about what forgiveness was, what it meant to her and to put it down on paper.

Figuring out what, how, who, if and when to forgive all hinge on your definition. My own definitions have changed over the years and are still changing.

The Forgiveness of Protection

When I was assaulted as a child, I went on to forgive the person to release the confusing mashup of anger, hurt and the belief that it was me that did something to bring it on. I forgave for me. No love involved. It was almost a vengeful forgiveness.

It did help to release me from feelings of helplessness. It broke through my victim mentality and gave me some of my power back. This is what I needed from the concept of forgiveness at that time.

The Forgiveness of Survival

At the end of my drinking, I’d very efficiently dismantled all the things in my life. I tore these things down (family, fatherhood, marriage, work) understanding what I was doing yet unable to change direction despite knowing better, despite all the ways I tried. Believe me, I tried all the ways.

This kind of forgiveness was very different. I needed to find love for myself if I wanted to live. Vengeful forgiveness, the forgiveness of protection wouldn’t work this time. I had to work really hard to see that all the things that I did to try to keep myself safe and connected destroyed everything in its path. Slowly and steadily, I loved myself into forgiveness.

Learning to Drive My Own Bus

When I lost my marriage, I was angry, even though a large part of it failing was my doing. I felt abandoned and I carried that self-righteousness around proudly for longer than I care to admit. This and other struggles with myself led me to checking in to an extensive inpatient treatment for codependence. One afternoon, in what turned out to be a transformative group session, I was having a particularly inspired sit on the pity pot.

My ex-wife abandoned me. She didn’t give me the emotional support that I needed. I never felt seen. She made me feel insecure, lonely, etc.

The counselor looked me straight in the eye and asked me to explain to her in detail exactly how it was that my ex crawled inside my body and my brain and made me feel all these things.

I tried. I tried sooo hard.

After a lot of whinging, I came to see that my expectations, my stubborn clinging to what I thought was my love language, my need to feel heard and respected by another were what caused my own suffering. They were the things that needed forgiving along with my inability to see through them. So, I forgave them with what felt like defeated resignation. And I started learning to drive my own bus.

The Kundalini Break

So back to the question, what is forgiveness?

I had a big spiritual experience 18 months ago. I had a kundalini event; I spent 8 weeks in bliss. It wasn’t uncomfortable but it was very confusing.

Especially for a type A Gemini who believed in some type of spirituality but for whom it had previously seemed more theoretical.

Now I was crying at grass in the driveway because it was me. My wife thought I might be losing it. I stayed in this state of total love long enough that everything changed.

When I’d drive by a house, I’d feel the people inside trying to figure out how to love each other. When someone was tailgating me, I’d feel the love of them getting home safe.

It’s hard to see who we all are at our core.

We’re taught right from the start that we’re separate and we’re special. This creates a space between who we are and who we think we are.

So, people try to fill up that space with each other. They love everything and burn out. Or they protect themselves by making an enemy of everything and everybody and they close up.

Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of open and closed and we push and pull, hurt, get hurt, forgive and hope for forgiveness.

The Trial by Fire

I went through a 12-month long trial by fire where the universe absolutely refused to show me any mercy until I looked myself straight in the face. All my fears, all the things that controlled me.

My biggest issue was fear. I was completely crippled by it and my business was tanking. I kept backstopping it and trying to manifest my way out of it.

But I’d told the universe in the middle of the kundalini that I was ready for the seeds of my karma to be burned off. The universe listened.

On a day where I was almost totally maxed out and waiting for a big deal to close, the deal fell through. And I understood. Everything shifted that day and I could see a small glimpse of who I was and who you are too.

The Lens of Today

When I look at forgiveness today, it’s through the lens of that trial by fire. These are the questions that came out of that. Ones that can help to narrow down where we are with forgiveness:

Am I conflating the person with their actions?

Did any pain that came from our interactions allow me to learn a lesson about myself or show me where I’m stuck?

Is there a part of me that wants or needs to reinforce the roles of forgiver and person to be forgiven. What am I getting from continuing those imaginary roles?

If I’m the forgiver, do I feel superior? Inferior?

Whatever choice I make, is it out of love, for myself and the person underneath the actions that caused me pain?

Can I see that they’re playing out their own drama? Is their need to lash out and stay separate coming from the same suffering as mine?

Is protecting myself by trying to push away what I don’t want just another form of clinging?

Do I believe that taking any action from a place other than love will actually benefit me or is it just reinforcing more karma to work through?

I don’t advocate staying in harmful or abusive situations.

When I sat down again with my client a few weeks later, we figured out that the real question she was asking was not “should I forgive him”, it was closer to “what will make me free?”. Forgiveness can mean walking away for your own safety and sanity.

Sometimes we can’t stay with people.

Sometimes we can’t forgive people.

Just as often we don’t want to or don’t know how to.

Either way, forgiving or not forgiving can both be a trap if they don’t open your heart.

If you're wrestling with this question or you just want someone to talk to about it please reach out. You can read more about my coaching practice [here]

You can’t share a love you’re terrified of losing.

I learned that in my 20s, flopped out on my mom’s living room couch reading a cookbook. My girlfriend of a few years was away at university, and I was struggling with her being gone.

Our romance started out a whirlwind, like so many romances do. Drinking wine by the river, dancing in the kitchen, talking until the sun came up.

I thought at the time that the love I felt came from her, and now she was gone.

I went into panic mode. I called her nonstop. I texted her nonstop. She was working hard trying to get her degree. My longing and insecurity took up so much space in her world that there was no space left for love.

Eventually my neediness pushed her away completely. She told me she loved me, but she needed to break up with me.

I dropped the cookbook.

The words were a giant vacuum that sucked all the air out of the room. I literally couldn’t breathe.

The world teaches that love is something that comes from outside of us. That whatever we get we should cling to tightly with both hands so it never disappears. When we’ve squeezed it so tightly that eventually it leaks out through our fingers, we’re devastated.

No amount of external love will fill you up.

You’re already full.

There's a free tool at seededsoulrising.com that helps to see stubborn patterns. Or if you'd rather just talk to someone who's been in it, you can book a consultation there too.

I have a pretty structured practice when I wake up. I meditate, do some light yoga, a bit of qigong, all followed by a super glamorous bowl of oatmeal like wallpaper with fruit. The idea is that all these things will create a textbook grounded start to my day. I can kiss my wife, pet the cat and then levitate directly from the kitchen to my office chair.

This morning was not that.

A crazy howling wrenched me out of my meditation. My peace-adverse, super territorial Heinz 57 cat was chasing a skunk up the driveway. I ran out in my socks. The minute the door closed my cell phone started to ring and ring and ring. The deal I’d been working on for weeks had just evaporated into a little puff of smoke. I decided maybe a coffee might center me back in sanity. And of course I spilled it all over myself.

Sitting in a puddle of coffee with newly designed and very stylish cacao pajama pants, I actually smiled. Then I laughed.

I built the perfect trap for myself…….and I walked right into it. Well done me :)

The world’s going to interrupt you anyway. Grounding won’t stop you from having wet socks. It might just be easier to find the funny in it.

As for the $16,000 bill, I found the personal cell number of an executive at the phone company and called him. He was angry. I suggested we could be great friends. That I call my friends often. 3, 5, 15 times a day. Within an hour my bill was cancelled and I had a 12 month credit.

If I’d lost it, the result would have been much different.

Free procrastination breaker tool and consultation at seededsoulrising.com.

You’re in the middle of an argument, and you’ve already stopped listening.

You just want to be right.

I have an admission to make. There are plenty of times when I’ve acted like a jerk in the middle of a fight, just because I wanted to be right. Context didn’t matter anymore. Neither did seeing through the other person’s lens. In that second, being right felt more important to me than anything else.

The next time you catch yourself falling into that trap, I want you to try saying this out loud:

“I’m acting like a jerk right now because I just want to be right.”

It’s blunt and will probably feel a little embarrassing, but it will snap you out of your autopilot. The second you call yourself out, it’s harder to pretend that you’re just being logical.

But just knowing you’re being stubborn doesn’t stop you from doing it.

So let’s look at what happens when you’re already in the middle of it, the fight’s started and your walls are already up. This weeks video covers the Mid-Pattern Pause card.

Step 1: Identifying the Current Narrative

This step’s all about putting a name to the pattern that you’re stuck in while it’s actually happening.

Step 2: Pinpoint the Trigger
This step focuses on seeing the small choices that you made or feelings that came up just before your reaction took over.

Step 3: The Repeating Script
Here we talk about practicing predicting the behavior that you keep repeating over and over, expecting better results.

Step 4: Picking a different move
Lastly, we work to identify a physical action to take or a different word to use that will disarm you long enough to regroup. You need to pick a real one that feels like you, or you wont use it.

With practice you can learn to see the words forming in your head before they come flying out of your mouth, That will help you to stay with what’s happening.

Lasting change rarely comes from reading an article or watching a video. It happens when you choose to practice it over and over.

The tool can be found on my website at www.seededsoulrising.com/tools
There’s no email or signup.

My first Youtube video was way more personal than I’d planned. I had no idea how to be on camera, I’m still totally fumbly and awkward if I’m being honest. But I feel that the message is important so i fumble anyway 😀.

I just recently launched a coaching business after doing it as a side thing for many years.

This video covers my first tool, the “Second Rock Bottom Map.” I talk through a relapse that I had in my own life 20+ years ago to help unpack why we slip back into old behaviors even though we know they’re going to cause us pain.

Free Tool, no email gate

What I cover in this video:

1. The Maintenance Fade: Why “feeling fine” is often the most dangerous part of recovery.

2. The Performance Mask: How internal isolation creates a secret space for old habits to grow.

3. The Lure: Identifying the “payoff” your brain is looking for when it drifts back to the familiar.

4. The Tether: The one immediate action (Radical Transparency) that brings you back to the present truth.

Do you recognize your own version of the “Maintenance Fade”?

I’ve spent 23 years in recruitment and coaching watching the same pattern: people who have all the insight in the world but still get stuck in the same loops.

Intelligence is a great hiding place for inaction.

Seeded Soul Rising is where I share the “Field Kits” I’ve developed to bridge that gap. for those times when your default responses take over.

What you’ll find here:

• The Action Practice: Tactical interrupts for professional and personal performance.

• Methamphobile™: Tools for glitching the digital scroll loop and reclaiming your focus.

• Sacred Nonsense: Exploring the Extreme Enlightenment Games and the art of “competitive surrender.”

Your first two tools are waiting for you here:

The Tools Page: https://www.seededsoulrising.com/tools (Download the Action Anchor PDF right now—no email wall required).

The Breakdown: https://www.youtube.com/@SeededSoulRising (Watch the ‘Intelligence Trap’ video to see how to actually use the Anchor).

The Manual: If you want the full guide to the “questionable awakening” side of this work, you can find The Extreme Enlightenment Games on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0G6MB4NZ8

I’m glad you’re here. Let’s get to work.

Peter.